Scrupulosity is OCD associated with religion. I did’t even know the term until about 3 years ago. My compulsions to try and calm the noise in my mind as it was consumed with fear, guilt, and shame were to Google everything associated with religion and OCD. When I came across the term, learned more about it, and connected with others who were also experiencing it, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. This discovery changed my whole life.
1. “There’s Only One Way To Pray” These were the words I heard from my mother on a day to day basis. According to what she heard on TBN, what she read in the Bible, and what she heard at church, there was a “right” way to pray and a “wrong” way to pray. Every prayer needed to include “in the Name of Jesus” and I had to always “cover myself with the blood of Jesus” otherwise the “enemy was going to destroy me”. Now, with all due respect to my mom and her extreme religious belief, how do you think this impacted a high school girl suffering from OCD? These ideas shaped me. These ideas controlled me. These ideas made me live in fear every day. Spoiler alert... I came to realize that there isn’t only “one way to pray”. 2. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned” Well how many times have you HEARD that phrase thrown around in church? First of all, I don’t appreciate the fact that the Catholic Church makes people call priests “FATHER”. Like, ew. No... you’re not my EARTHLY father nor are you my HEAVENLY father. I never understood that. Secondly, why does the Catholic Church demand that people “confess their sins”? Demanding such things and expecting such things from those who do not suffer from OCD may not be all that “demanding”, but for someone who suffered - I mean severely suffered - from religious guilt, this demand was crippling. I questioned EVERYTHING I did. Did I sin today? Did I repent? Did I repent enough? What if God doesn’t love me anymore? OMG... I thought about kissing a boy... is that a sin? What does it mean if I thought about having sex before marriage....is that a sin? JESUS. Over and over and over again, these questions burned in my mind. I felt like there was never a way out of my own head. 3. “No sex before marriage” Well, while we’re on the topic of sex, let’s dive into this one too, shall we. The list goes on and on and on with reasons why “sex before marriage is a sin”. Do you know how many hours I mentally crucified myself for even THINKING about kissing someone else? Do you know how many times I prayed that I would stop feeling horny. Do you know how many times I asked God to turn my emotions off. My anxiety and depression was through the roof. I couldn’t control these thoughts. Every 5 seconds I would see mental images of two people having sex, and immediately “pray those thoughts away”. EVERY 5 SECONDS. For hours. I was beyond triggered by what the Catholic Church “taught” me. I truly believed that if I had sex before marriage God was going to smite me. I thought He was going to throw fire down from Heaven and make my life miserable. I was so TERRIFIED to even think about sex that it fueled my anxiety and thus my compulsions. I recited prayer rituals every 15 minutes. I began checking that the lights were off, then checking agin, and then checking again. I started feeling this obsessive need to control other things around me because I was not able to control my thoughts. And not being able to control my thoughts scared the shit out of me. I want to share a great article with you guys, that helped me learn more about scrupulosity while also giving me a sense of peace and comfort knowing that I wasn’t alone in obsessing in this way: https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/scrupulosity-religious-ocd/ Check them out. They have other great articles, too, about other forms of OCD. So, what became of me, you may be wondering? Well, I let religion go. I had to. There was literally no other way for me to hold onto my sanity. Religion destroyed the way that I saw life. It kept me in a cage. It distorted my views on the “secular world”. It made me judge things and angry because I thought that I was “more holy” than others and felt disgusted with the world, which made me not even want to LIVE in it anymore. Do I still believe in God? Yes. Do I still believe that this higher force is the reason behind things? Yes. But, I’m very skeptical of other things now than I ever was and truthfully, I’m not all that curious to find answers. Because letting go of the grip that religion had on me set me free. Letting go of the grip gave me my life back. I hope that if you’re also struggling with this that you found comfort in this article. I’m by no means posting this to bash believers or “convert” them to change their mind. Just look at what it did to me... I wouldn’t even DREAM of trying to “convert” someone. You’re free to believe what you believe. You’re free to choose for yourself. These are just my thoughts and my experience. And, just as I found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone in thinking these thoughts and experiencing this much confusion about religion, my hope is that I can spread the same amount of comfort to you, letting you know that you’re not alone.
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AuthorLisy Pitruzzella is a 28 year old extroverted Italian living in New York. Host of "Found Family" podcast and mental health blogger. Categories
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